I just put my child in daycare.
And I’m feeling ALL THE FEELS.
I’ve laughed, I’ve cried. I’ve done a little happy dance. And I’ve even thought about picking him up and trying again some other time (in a year or two).
My poor mama heart.
Never did I think that I, a stay at home mom, would be paying someone else to watch my child. But I’ve also never been a mother before.
- Related: Strength for Today | Motherhood
I need a break. My mental heath has been in a sharp decline for the last 6 months.
Depression, anxiety, irritability, brain fog, PTSD, PMDD, PPD/A are just some of the things I’ve been dealing with over the last 6 months. I’ve been so overwhelmed with my mind racing in a million different directions that I can’t even finish a complete sentence.
Just watch my Self Care video to see what I’m talking about happen in real time..
Not only am I ‘just’ a stay at home mom, I’m also starting my own business, managing a household and working a side hustle while attempting to keep up with the laundry, cooking, and cleaning. My husband has a demanding job which renders me a solo parent for the majority of the time.
It’s too much for me. I just can’t do it all.
- Related: When Motherhood Leaves You Weak
I think the hardest part is the mental load. Knowing that I’m the only one responsible so much of the time is incredibly exhausting and anxiety producing for me. It’s too much for one person to carry.
But when my husband is on night shift, I don’t have that second parent tapping in during the day.
My husband had a few days off work where he was able to sleep at night and be awake during the day. It was amazing. He was helping out and sharing the household, parenting, and mental load.
My depression, anxiety, and irritability improved significantly because I was able to take a break. I could close my eyes and take a nap if I wanted to!
With just that little break daily, I felt refreshed. I wanted to play with my child as opposed to constantly wishing for time alone.
All in all, I was a better person to be around, as evidenced by the fact that my husband said [multiple times] that he thinks this babysitting will be good for me.
“But other people have it worse than you and they can do it.” “But other stay at home moms aren’t putting their kids in daycare.”
GOOD FOR THEM! I am genuinely glad that they are managing.
Sure, I could continue to be constantly overwhelmed and let my mental health decline even further but
I
DON’T
HAVE
TO.
I don’t have to live a miserable life. So I’m going to use every tool in my toolkit. One of which being childcare.
“But how can you afford it.”
I toyed with the idea of childcare for a while but decided against it time & time again because we couldn’t afford it. After all, I STAY AT HOME for a living. My joke was that I was starting a business to be able to afford childcare. Living on one income and paying for childcare is incredibly difficult.
But we decided to make mental health a priority. It can’t wait until my business starts producing income (if that even happens).
That is the heart of frugal living and why I’m so passionate about it. Frugal living does not mean never spend, only save. It means prioritizing and spending on what is important to you.
We had to cut back in other areas. In the same way we cut things out while on our debt free journey, we’ve pretty much keep the same budget. Goodbye entertainment and eating out budget. Hello thrift stores and beans & rice.
Last year we prioritized paying off all our debt (!!) so we have no payments! That gave us a little more freedom to spend our money how we want.
If you are looking for ways to live a frugal lifestyle so you can prioritize what is important to you, check out some of my recent posts:
- Easy Meal Planning on a Budget
- Check Your Subscriptions | Money Saving Challenge
- 18 Ways to Stay Warm Without Turning up the Heat
- Save Money by Reducing your Water Usage
- How to Stay Cool Without Air Conditioning
“But you would be missing out on your child’s life.”
Believe me, I feel so bad and so guilty even though he’s only in part time. But I’m working with my therapist to separate feelings from facts.
I feel like I should be able to handle all this but the fact is I just can’t.
Identify. Challenge. Replace.
I asked my therapist how to believe what’s true instead of allowing my feelings to dictate. She said to do 3 things: identify, challenge, replace.
Identify: Capture the negative thought.
I feel like a bad mom.
Challenge: Evidence is what separates truth from feelings. In a court of law, feelings don’t count as evidence. You can’t say “I feel like that person did it. It’s just a feeling.” What irrefutable evidence is there to support this feeling?
None. There is no evidence that would hold up in a court of law leading to a conviction of “bad mom”.
Replace: Replace the thought with truth.
The truth is that I love, feed, clothe, and care for my child immensely. If anything, those are the markings of a good mom. Sending my child to care a few hours a week isn’t going to change that. The truth is that I am doing this because I want to be a good mom.
In this season of life, I have reached my mental limit and I am asking for help so things don’t get worse.
I don’t magically feel like a good mom right after doing this mental exercise but it’s a work in progress and progress over perfection.
Progress over perfection.
Lori says
Gosh I needed this. Everything you see out there is mom guilt about taking them to daycare and going to work. How about taking them to daycare so you can have a mental health day? Or taking them so you can actually clean your house or go to the grocery store? I have a tornado of a 2 year old and from the bottom of my heart thank you for showing me that at least ONE other person is also proving that you can love your kid more than imaginable and also need some time away.
Brittany ODonnell says
Thank you so much for writing this!! I’m a stay at home mom of a two year old and today we are going to look at a daycare. I’ve been struggling w hair loss and anxiety and I just need a break.
Erica Mayer says
i’m doing the same thing. i’m in the same position as you. and it is too much. i can’t be a good mom if i’m burnt out, sleep-deprived, overextended and overwhelmed. now all i find myself is irritable, angry, touched out, and spiraling into a dark depression with PPD. i have no choice but to send him into carr because it’s time i take care of myself or i’m not good for anybody
Tee says
This was such a good article. I find myself in a similar situation. Although its covoid and I feel guilty, you are right. There is a difference between feelings and reality. I thank you so much.
Amy J Weber says
You said this so well. Mom guilt is a real thing, a real feeling, but not necessarily a valid one. You might as well challenge it now and learn how to vanquish it. Then you can help the rest of us do that! 🙂
Judging by the fruit, you made a wise decision. 🙂
Ursula says
Love this article, Natalie. I am so proud of you and the decisions you are bravely making. I wish I had been able to separate feeling and fact better as a young mom. I think your story can help a lot of parents make decisions that would lead towards more balanced lives.